Setting myself up for failure
Mental Health, Personal
Setting myself up for failure

I really don’t know how else to explain it.  Perhaps it’s the constant mental conditions that are playing at odds with each other.  My anxiety constantly worried about being good enough, about what other people are thinking of me and the constant fear of change.

My depression, on the other hand, tells me that I’ll never do well – that I’m mediocre at best at everything that I do.  Nothing that I will take on will be great because I fail at everything.

Sigh.

It’s exhausting, to say the least.

I hate that my mind is constantly at war with itself over every little thing.

Anxiety & depression have a very complicated relationship... Click To Tweet

I put a lot on my plate

I’m constantly putting more and more on my plate and then I get overwhelmed with the idea and back off.  This past week I took a break from blogging because of that.  Because it was too much and I needed to sit back and lick my wounds for a while.

The depression won that round.

I stopped creating images for Instagram, I bought pop and drank it.  Even ordered out when I was trying not to.

I stopped my goals and just went into a self-preservation mode.  I ate anything that I wanted and logged it all on my Weight Watchers.  I’m pretty sure that I gained back 5 pounds last week because of this.  I don’t know for sure because I’m terrified of the information.

Why do we set ourselves up for failure?

Perhaps it is the way that we look at it.  For those that are struggling with the same mental conditions as I am they really do put us on edge.

The two plays off each other – most of the time one starts (usually the anxiety) – you have this irrational fear of whatever and then you start to feel bad about it… thus moving into the depression part.  This is a constant cycle that just takes over.

The fear of failure (in my case) usually outweighs the actual failure part.  I stop trying thus I never completely let myself dive into something and fail.  After all I can’t fail if I never complete it.  But, I do in turn fail at it by not completing it.

Then the depression kicks in and I’m spent – hence the self-preservation.  If I hide and don’t let it in that I’ve been failing it will be alright.

This is what I did this past week.  If I’m actually honest with myself – this is what my body and self-care programmed to do every time it’s too much.

Setting myself up for failure
Source

How do we stop the cycle?

I’m still struggling with this, but what I have noticed is that the cycles are becoming shorter.  There was a time that if I felt like this I’d stop completely.  I would never come back to it.

This is the reason why I’ve started so many other blogs in the past and now they are nowhere to be seen.

I’ve become more self-aware

I allow myself a time to lick my wounds and then I put my big girl pants on and start over again.

Every single time that I’ve stopped working on my blog for a certain amount of time I give pause and then come back.  I love expression myself here – and though it’s still a work in progress (like my mental health) I will always push myself forward.

What have I learned?

  • I am stronger than before. Though it’s hard to say that during my off days – I am better than when I was younger.
  • With practiced self-care, a person can come back out of this much faster.
  • Allowing yourself time to heal and repair when you fall down is okay.
  • Putting support in place. I have a good group of friends that I can talk to about this.

Overall

It’s perfectly normal to feel this way from time to time.  I know that for me dealing with both depressions as well as anxiety – I have a hard time accepting this failure.  I feel like I should be doing more than I already do and then feel both anxious and sad about it.

Keeping support systems in place will help you to bounce back better – but remember that it’s always best to get the doctor’s assessment to help find the right way for treatment.

The States Helplines

NATIONAL HOPELINE HELPLINE 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-784-2433

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-273-8255

THE TREVOR PROJECT FOR LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENDER AND QUESTIONING YOUTH 1-866-488-7386

Canadian Helplines

TORONTO Distress Line: 416-408-4357

Survivor Support Program: 416-595-1716

March Intentions 2017
Monthly Goals
March Intentions 2017

I really cannot believe that February is coming to an end.  Well, no I guess I can believe it since it’s a shorter month.  28 days is all that we have to complete goals and though I hope many of you out there who are still doing goals or intentions every month I wish you well – although I feel like I tanked mine.  I kept saying that I’ll do them another day… and that became a few days later.

Kerpow! Another month down! Check out what intentions I have for the 3rd month of the year. Click To Tweet

I am keeping up with Angela (The Clutter Box Blog) wonderful terminology for using “INTENTIONS” instead of goals.  Seriously, check her out – she is amazing.

Well here we are:

For the blog February 2017:

  • Continue taking photos with camera – explore a new lens: I did do this, though only part way.  I did not explore a new lens.  I never got around to finding one to rent.
  • Buy a tripod for camera and research what new camera to buy: Didn’t do this.  We had other expenses that had to get paid first.  Sigh.  One day I will get a new tripod.
  • Post at least 3 times per week on Instagram: Sorta?  I did a few posts on Instagram, but nothing to the amount that I wanted.  I’m still toying with what I want my account to be like.
  • Share posts with other places besides Facebook and Twitter: Nope again.  I shared in only two places.  Facebook Groups and on my own Twitter.  I’ll figure out a posting schedule soon.
  • Extra: Get to 5k followers on Twitter – Currently at3,331  which means I only need 1,669 more to go.  It is a stretch, but I want to see how close I can get to it:  Actually I only got up 30 more followers.  I’ve been stuck on this number for a while now.  Ah well.  To be honest, I didn’t really try as hard as I thought I would.

 

For Personal February 2017:

  • No pop at all this month: Yeah – about that.  I just so happen to buy a 12 pack two days before my intentions went live.  Totally forgot about this goal until I was writing them on my board.  Oops?
  • Organize bedroom and create a wish list for the room: Ideally, it was going to be the guest bedroom, but I think I’m going to be leaving this for summer once I’m off of work so that I can spend all the time I want on it.  Or just not make it that high on my priorities.  I did create a wish list for EVERY single room.  I’m going to go through the house and solidify those wishes and perhaps create a post on them.  Or two.  It’s a long list.
  • Have4 dates with Travis. Plan one in secret (mix it up with alone and with friends):  I believe that I’ve met this goal.  We’ve gone out a bit with family and friends and a few times just ourselves.  It’s nice to plan those dates.  I look forward to them every week.
  • Meal prep for a whole week:   Fail.   Epic fail!  I planned but did not prep.  In fact, I lost some of my produce because of this.  Sigh.  I’ll get better at this.  I swear.
  • Extra: Do not order out once this month: Uh, we ordered out twice this month.  Which for us (lazy bums) that’s a big cut down.  We usually order out once a week. 

 

Highs:

Okay, I’ll be honest the most that I was looking forward to this month was Family Day – paid day off of work where I don’t have to use vacation or sick time.  Seriously, they need to have more days off throughout the school year.  Or perhaps I need to stop getting sick?

Lows:

I’ve been off and on battling a constant migraine again as well as vertigo for an added kick.  I even had to take two whole days off of work just to get myself back to feeling somewhat better.  Add the ever changing low moods and oodles amounts of anxiety – this month wasn’t as good for me as the last.  (It’s a downfall with battling with anxiety and depression.)  Couple this with work stress – I just ended up in survival mode.  My blog became something of a drag, even though I have a few posts that are ready – I couldn’t get myself up to actually take pictures.

Overall:

February was a hard month in the mental health aspect, but that doesn’t mean that it has to end there.  I know that I will have those good days as well as some downright stuck in the mud hard days.  But, I will get through it.

March Intentions 2017

March Intentions 2017

For the Blog:

  • Continue to research cameras start to save up for new body and lens
  • Work on growing Twitter following
  • Build the lightbox
  • Devote one day to writing posts/ taking pictures/ updating social media

For Personal:

  • No pop at all this month
  • Slowly take me off of coffee
  • 4 dates with Travis & celebrate Travis birthday
  • Meal plan/prep for two whole days
Hey, March! Let's do this! Time to show off our #monthlyintentions Click To Tweet

What do you have in store for March?

 

Fails at Adulting: Part 1
Fashion, Writing
Fails at Adulting Part One

So, over a year ago I wrote a cute little checklist of silly things that show that you’re an adult.  I thought that this would be a cute little series that I would start because let’s face is very few of us actually have our sh*t together.

Once a month I will be posting about one particular fail as I attempt to adult in life.  This will be an ongoing series and I don’t know when I will be ending it.  I hope that I can actually work with a few fellow bloggers so that they can share their fails and laugh about it.

After having a few weeks of setbacks, I wanted a pick me up post because I believe the best part about fails is that you actually learn.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas Edison

We all have things we fail at - I've just put them together in a cute little monthly installment Click To Tweet

Adulting fail #1: Cooking

I believe that I have joked about this on and off the blog – I stink at cooking.  Sometimes I can’t even cook turkey bacon properly.  Usually, I burn it and create a big thick smoke throughout the upper house that Travis has to open the windows.

Okay – If I’m honest I can cook okay.  If I put effort into it.  Let’s just call it what it is.  I’m lazy – especially when it comes to cooking.  I get frustrated with it more often than not and haphazardly put items together hoping that they will turn out somewhat eatable.

Sometimes, it works out – whereas other times the chicken is dry and stringy because I was too paranoid that I undercooked the chicken.

Fails at Adulting: Part 1
Source

I know nothing about pans that are not non-stick pans

Like, I seriously am annoyed at this stupid pan because everything that I do still causes this pan to have food stuck to it.  Not to mention that I’ve burnt it far too many times.  Sigh.

Side-note: Upon writing this I realized that I have a vast amount of information at my fingertips (internet) and only now did it occur to me to LOOK IT UP.  Double sigh.  I am not always the brightest crayon in the box.

*Seems as though I have been using sprays instead of oils (hot oil) in my stainless steel pan.  Thus causing the food to stick – genius!

Pinterest is amazing, but you sometimes rage quit when your end product doesn’t look the same

Uh – yeah.  I’ve done this.  Actually, I just recently did this not too long ago.  Cooking an amazing meal, but found that I didn’t toothpicks for keeping the chicken intact.  Well, I opted not to run around the house looking for something that can be stuck through the chicken and placed it into the pan and hoped it would hold its form.  Uh – it didn’t.

Once I took it out of the oven the whole thing just flopped out of its shape.  I almost dropped the whole thing on the floor into the waiting mouth of Bolt.  Oops?

Well, upon looking at the deflated creation I got upset that I couldn’t construct a simplest of tasks and flopped it onto the stove and got outta dodge.  Total rage quit.

Measuring is for baking only

Yeah, I follow that rule more often than not – usually when it comes to spices to be added to dishes.  Perhaps that is the main reason that dishes sometimes come out hotter than usual.  Ah, what’s a bit of spice gonna do?

Maybe I should at least measure out the liquids going in?  Too many times my dishes have come out rather – liquidy.  If that is even a word – oh well, we are going to leave it as such.

Overall

I’m really not that bad as I make myself out to be.  No, I’m not Ree Drummond from the Pioneer Woman, but I don’t plan to be.

I’m working on using cooking as another self-care skill.  Perfecting the simplest of recipes as well as working on some that promote my Mexican heritage.  I hope that one day I can cook tamales as good as my Grandma.  For now, I’ll simply work hard on perfecting the taco.  Yep – baby steps.

What about you? What do you enjoy the most about cooking?